swimming in the shallow end of the pool

i drove a ways, adding to my route at the end of today, and was so looking forward to a huge arugula salad–dashed. not only was the HEB shelf bare, but the label indicating it would magically be restocked at this locale was gone as well. so i went back to my BOX and had a little cry (really stupid i know; sometimes it is the little things…such a little thing). so i need to get some soil into my planter boxes this weekend, figure out my water source, create a little bit of a shade structure and get started on growing my own arugula (good luck kathy).

i am so tired of trying to be in the deep end; shallow seems less exhausting with the illusion of “safer” or at least a whole lot less serious. Though the shallow end has never really held much interest for me and for all i know it is not even shallow…the reality is probably simply that it doesn’t fit my personality type so i classify it arrogantly as shallow, but i know i take the deep end, or even simply the pool itself, far too seriously, take most things too seriously, what people say or appear ti do or not do, trying too hard not to become callused and hard, trying too hard to stay open, trying too hard to own my crap plus some, hopelessly hoping others will do the same, just plain trying too hard. i think swimming in the shallow end of the pool might be nice…it must really be a hot day with all this blather of pools and swimming and such.

perhaps i just need to get out, dry off and stay out of the pool for a bit. of course i’ve never been able to turn off my internal processing machine and wondering and trying to understand The way of things and people keeps me inclined towards the deep end…so staying out of the pool, exploring the deep end, is not something i can actually accomplish…so i need to find a new way to swim, float, and explore. or simply a home studio in the woods might do, where i can see the stars at night, hear the sun sizzle as it is swallowed by the horizon, feel the chill in the morning air brush along my skin, slap a bug or two, write, make and be present in the physical space I occupy…though i worry i might not come back out if i retreat to the woods. perhaps there is nothing wrong with that. It looks better and better with each passing day.