i stand in the rubble of my crumbled tower.
I heard the quote below and it resonated with my current condition. I have been a good vulcan, a good cyborg, i have told myself that i know, that i understand, that i am certain, that i am in control, that i am rational and that i am autonomous. and i know that this is the lie i tell myself. this wall of knowing, understanding, certainty, control, rationality and autonomy has coming crashing down around me. it hurst like hell. but this crumbling of my tower is good. this tower i’ve built out of these things isolates me, keeps me from being known and knowing others, myself and god. it prevents me from connecting, from belonging. in this moment when i find the rubble around my feet, i will try not to rebuild this tower, this wall. i will try and allow for being scared, being sad, being afraid, and to allow myself to cry SO THAT i may be known and know others, myself, and god, that i may connect, that i may belong. i have discovered that i can’t be a vulcan. my tower that has crumbled wasn’t keeping me safe anyway, it was only keeping me alone.
It’s all a front, a great big game of pretend
inside we are terribly scared
inside we are terribly sad
inside we are terribly afraid
we found a way to cover our fears
we found a way to cover our sadness
we found a way not to have to cry
to always pretend that we are certain
to always pretend that we are right
to always pretend that we are in control
to always pretend that we understand
but we know better inside
but at this point we have almost begun to believe the lie ourselves
and the crying has come everyday for almost a year now, since last may. it is as though i have 21 years of tears needing to be felt, needing to just be what they are, tears. i am hoping they will ebb a bit as i focus on what God would have of me and hope that he is ultimately a good God