destroying the tower

i read chapter 10 of Wild at Heart last night. i cried while i read it because i have always been told this would never happen for me, that it was psychologically unhealthy and any semblance of it would be denied. so decades ago i agreed to that–it had a certain logic, we had been told it was just so by professionals who just “knew.” i never asked for it and denied my own need for it. last year i asked for help. this year i didn’t ask for it, i only asked if i was worthy of it. i cried. i wasn’t answered except by an intermediary who spoke in place of the one of whom i had asked the question. i reread my writings and what is in that chapter is written all over my blog, but it was not mine to be had. it was seen as unhealthy and faithless. though i believed what i was told, i had to tear down, destroy, crush my own tower, so that i could live. i could not stay in my tower any longer it was closing in on me. and no one was coming to help me down. i decimated my tower. and now i wipe the dust from my own face and ask my girl friends to help put ointment on my wounds from the crumbling of my own tower. they do. there is no good way to crumble one’s own tower while one remains inside it. there is no good way to get down without help. and i destroyed the tower of my making. but now i stand up with the help of my girl friends and the one who calls me to stand up; i pick up my mat, and walk to the spring because i need to sink into its waters and be cleansed and be reminded that i am beautiful, i am precious, so that i am prepared and have the fortitude to continue my journey. i wanted you to come help me down from my tower. i wanted you to walk by my side. i wanted you to come with me to the healing spring. i wanted you to come with me on this journey. i wanted you JK.

i hope someday i will be forgiven for destroying my own tower in which i was trapped for it’s destruction crushed those who stood near; it crushed you; it crushed those whom i loved.