After the last 18 months with 5 solo shows (too many for sanity but they kept me sane), being peri-menopausal, having my t3 and t4 totally out of wack (thyroid drugs), having my marriage implode after 21 1/2 years, loosing my best friends of 17+ years, loosing some of my precious god children whom i loved since they kicked about in their mom’s womb and precious family of a quarter of a century, figuring out how I am going to feed myself and provide shelter, fighting to not be put on the street penniless, securing a job that can counter this, being told what a horrendous untrustworthy harsh scary person I am by people I love, and by others told the opposite, getting as skinny as a refugee, trying to get a fledgling nonprofit art space up and running (with a wonderful team of can-do awesome artists), participating in a divorce process where we were far worse then all the people who had gone before that we had judged so harshly, having my own arrogance and judgmentalness ripped bare, having been told that my experience of faith was a lie and all that was good in me was false, digging deeper than I have ever before into what I believe and don’t, having my eyes opened to my prejudices of unthought through beliefs that under girded my life, stupid arrogant ones, like Christians have the market on love and community, ethics, kindness and forgiveness, I was shown it simply isn’t so, helping my dad through the transition of placing my mom in the nursing home and the deep visceral feelings of abandoning one’s spouse, having my dad diagnosed with Parkinson’s, falling in love with my mom and dad in a new way, being held and kissed by my mom and patted on the head like a little girl while she cradled me in her arms, crying together with my dad, my brother and my sister In-law, being a better sister, being a better daughter, getting to see my awesome niece and nephew more, watching my aunt and uncle be so brave in fighting cancer, growing in love and respect for them both, being vulnerable and weeping deeply with my girl friends and grand girl friends, learning to ask for help, really learning that I have voice and my value is not determined by others though it feels good when I am valued by them, trying to crawl out of my own private pity parties when told by an old acquaintance that her husband was murder in a convenience store last year, weeping uncontrollably, laughing, becoming an iPhone addict and still maintaining a full blown diet coke addiction, learning to drink margaritas and still simply not liking beer, learning to be merciful and tender with others, learning to judge others less and less, learned to be thankful I live in a country where stoning sinners is against the law, buying my first tv set at 48 and working through the shame of buying something i didn’t really “need” and the shame of buying what i did but didn’t “deserve” (not logical i know), being grateful and comforted by those who could and would come alongside me in spite of my mess and love me–being merciful, forgiving and supportive without needing to beat me up with my frailties or wrongness, being grief stricken by those who could not, learning I am not superior or “more better” than anyone else, that making a horrible mistake and not knowing how to fix it does not make me some kind of addict or that i have a personality disorder, learning how to let go of what other’s think about me and more importantly learning that i don’t have to (and am not able to) remedy their wrong assumptions and false statements to make myself ok, learning to accept the fact that each of us can and really do some dumb incredibly hurtfully things that sometimes others can’t recover from, that the bible really is filled with stories of people who made FUBAR of their lives-murders, adulterers, prostitutes, whores, polygamists, those who coveted and envied and screwed up regularly, tax collectors, even Pharisees and god claims these people as his own (amazing) and, in spite of their love for god, they never became perfect and holy during their life (dude! abraham lied because he was chicken and didn’t trust god and so told some king his wife was his sister and gave her to him–yeah bet that was good for the marriage), and …, watching and seeing that even in the worse of my messes, weird goodness happens, learning that sleeping on a futon and taking cold showers with a garden hose ain’t so bad, making new friends and discovering those who were there all along, being told how my very vocal vulnerable cyber processing has helped others move toward forgiveness and moving them toward releasing bitterness in their own lives and me finding hope in that my crazy blog transparent processing helps others find their way through this crazy wonderful gift called life, today I find myself CLEANING MY STUDIO COURTYARD, FINALLY, after all these months. What a mess, she said with a smile since I’ve already had my cry for the day.
So NOW what am I going to do with the rest of this one wild and precious gift of life i have been given?
(disclaimer my list is far from exhaustive and absolutely not in any prioritized order and yes I know that my typos abound)
“I always feel that the margins tell you more than the center of the page ever could.”