the mat

as I was revisiting the story of the man who’d sat at the healing pool for decades whom Christ asked, “do you want to get well?”, it was suggested to explore who you are in the story. my head just screamed, “you are the mat!” you have been the mat for a very long time. not a door mat, but i have been the mat for whom i thought needed healed. why have I assumed this role? why? I think because I could see what appeared to be wounds and hoped for healing and so I waited and matted. but I am learning I cannot fix or heal another and my waiting mattedness does not either. it is not my role or job to fix or heal anyone else. help if they ask for it. am trying to learn loving presence vs making better. will this help me to stop assuming this mat position literally and in my thinking? and then there is my historically lived concept of submission which only leads me back to the matting. I would rather continue learning to honor differences and lean into and back and forth according to one another’s strengths not some arbitrary penis/vagina submission external or internal rule. it’s interesting that I have laughed at the word submission because at a fundamental level am lead internally by this penis/vagina submission compulsion? i still seek permission from various males to do what i do well, am gifted at, and even what i was hired for. so again, for me, the way i live submission leads me back to the matting. why? what position should I take?

no position at all, but instead recognize and accept and trust my strengths and weakness and honor those of other. perhaps this will help me stop matting. will it take me long to learn? to change long-term ingrained habits? maybe a lifetime–time well spent no matter the outcome.

side note: it is amazing how much arugula one caterpillar can eat in a day! wiggly vermit!!!

Location:Villa De Matel Rd,Houston,United States


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