day 4 | revisiting the near past [very] as i unpack to begin movingforward again

funny that my go to stress indicator is not going off at all. so there is forward looking fear, but not stress. perhaps this is why i unpack. my unpacking since grad school has been through language…the art, the making a mere visual gesture from the real work, the writing, but very important.

APR 29

My go to stress indicator omg I feel FAT. Picture says, WRONG GOOBER; clearly you are stressed out of your wazoo to think that self. Admittedly I have put on weight since my ~115 refugee look (what the hell are movie stars thinking…at 5’9″ that just look sick). Now up to a whooping 125-27 or so. The difference feels fat but in fact is NOT. Though it would be equiv to ten 1lbs steaks being sewn on to my frame, typically my ass. Perhaps i exaggerate a tad, but my emotions scream fat. I actually needed some of those steaks staked to my frame. Why would I be noting feelings of fat…stress? SSTRRRRESSSSS. Ha! Long-term exposure to stressful, even hostile, environment. Crap. Yup. Fat is my go to stress indicator for about 35 years. No matter how deeply I crawl into my woods, it does not alleviate the stressful environment.

Read interesting article on linkin! Bing! Bing! BaadaBing! No duh. The article nailed a pin on the head. Ouchy. But I already have had a clear picture of that, just have never figured a good work around. It is something I’ve never experienced before, even remotely. And then there is the extended duration. As is my habit, I sucked up blame where it didn’t belong to me, minimized, rationalized other’s behavior, and that resolved absolutely nothing. But then to do anything would have accelerated it. Perhaps that would have been a better path. Blown it up. It has definitely opened my eyes to my own habits and what does belong to me AND WHAT DOES NOT. Posted 29th April

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