pass through me

unknown to me for quite sometime, my feelings, my emotions, have been begging to be, to be felt, to be allowed, to be just what they are. i have denied this. i have been angry and tried not to be, i have been sad and tried not to be, i have been afraid and tried not to be, i have been happy and tried not to be, all this type of not being has to stop for it is not being at all. I have suppress, denied, pushed out sideways the good and bad of walking in my being. Now i go up and down with it as i float on my surface waiting for the storm to settle to a more tolerable roll, a more gentle up and down of this being. I am ok with the large swells and troughs but i need them, want them, to have a softer roll not the hardness of the choppy crush, just a nice slow rolling that allows me to see a bit further and breathe a little easier. i still wont be able to see over the next crest, but slower would just feel more sane.

this up and down of joy and grief is tolerable but when fear comes in i become paralyzed. paralysis just doesn’t get me anywhere. But fear, like anger, like joy will serve me best if i let its swell gently roll through me, over me, in me. it is when i am to afraid of the roll that i grab it, try to control it, manage it, stand up in it, that it doesn’t pass, it doesn’t roll on when i hold it. instead it knocks me to the ground as i wrestle for dominion over it. i sink with its weight.

now i try to open my hand, extend my arms and feet and let it roll under, over, through. this is what i hope to practice, letting things slide through, experiencing them but not wrestling them, controlling them. this is true even of joy. it passes. as it passes through me i want to feel its roll, to taste it on my skin as it swirls about me, in me. to simply learn how to feel them as they are, allowing them to be, allowing me to be