March tenth two thousand and ten
This is what I will choose to believe about this day. It is how I am going to choose to remember it. So I will store it away as a mercy, I will ascribe to them acts of kindness; I will not analyze for fault; I will not look for wrong doing or darkness; I will not consider what I cannot know; I believe they are good. I will believe they can find healing; I believe they will know peace; I believe they are loved; I believe they will experience the healing balm of forgiveness and grace; I will believe they can forgive. I will believe in all that I know is good in them. And I will love them from afar but I will let go of my need for what they cannot give. as I too have done only that which I was able. Perhaps one day my capacities will be different, but today I followed as I was able. God is big enough to handle and forgive where you and I are not able and to love us both dearly. God is able.0
I am not doing so well at Storing away that day as a any kind of kindness or mercy when I go to bed at night and thoughts of all that I was told, All that was done, stand in the way of what I want to believe … Perhaps trying to believe and hope for goodness and mercy in the face of it's absence is my dysfunction. The split between what I hope for and what I've witnessed keeps me awake at night.
And again breaks my heart
Perpetual hope in the goodness of another person, the belief that things they do or say that are cruel are not the other's intention, the belief that their actions are meant as a kindness when repetitive, direct experience and their voiced words simply indicate it isn't so, is perhaps serious dysfunction on my part. I need to accept a spade as a spade. I need to accept that some times cruel words spoken and actions taken and things withheld are in fact at that moment representative of the current condition of that person and may actually be their intent.
A month later.
i've since been told hurtful and punitive actions were taken with intent and knowledge.
my response to that is such a deep, deep sadness.
how do i learn to call a spade, a spade.