day 3 | i bump about the cyber social media water cooler [fb] forsomedistraction in attempts to avoid the hole

artist residency, June 2013, VSC

kathy wash 2012

12 Jun 2013

there is a hole. i find it. i remember the Units nonverbal disdain when i would step in it, real or metaphorical. i may not see it but inevitably i sense it coming. others, as he did, just stood and stand by, with a silent watching. not that different than i watching others step into their own.

the more i sense the hole coming underfoot, in heart, i paste on a smile. click. up post a series of selfies, all smiles. i bump about the cyber social media water cooler [fb] for some distraction. incomplete thumbed out blurts and imagery. i stave off the hole. sometimes i am quite successful at skirting its perimeter.

there are, however, somethings that scare the undisclosed word equivalent of fecal matter, *&(#, out of me. in spite of having, it scares the UWE of FM to take a year with no real income let alone corporate supplied medical insurance.Tesla has been very, very good to me. why I bought low and actually sold a good portion high, I don’t know. i did. it helps. i am not a stereotypical free spirited artist, fiscal risk is very difficult for me. the thought of being sixty or so as my lips mime, “would you like fries with that?” undoes me. yet i know i need to spend the time setting an altered course. i know my nature of monotasking; therefore, this span, however long, is needed to adjust and risk some new ventures, some dreamed of transformations. i certainly don’t want to get to be a grandgirl and have not risked trying. so this is a year of facilitating some dreams that have been tickling the back of my tongue for some time (2006). i straddle the fence between utter fear paralysis (almost purely financial) and a full out run for it.

the hole. i’ve stepped in it. found it today. felt it yesterday, the day before. the hole is that i wont run. that i’ll just stand spinning my mind with not a single outward reality based move. i do move, what if it is not enough? what if i make it not enough? below that fiscal fear perhaps is an even more real fear. what if I I I I don’t make it enough?! implode — self sabotage. common to me. common to most in our own secret sophisticated manner that, frankly, is quite transparent. i am afraid. though i move, i am in the hole. it is not unexpected. the fiscal fear clearly indicated its coming. i will shake. i mean really there is ground in the bottom of the hole as well to use as leverage.