the struggle is real as a result of fixed conventions: artist or scholar

as artist i can study human behavior, hunt for patterns and anomalies, and i can intuitively flesh out truths (trends) both in manipulated art objects/spaces as well as in human space. my methods do not have to be reproducible. as a matter of fact, if others can reproduce my work, it puts me at artistic risk. hence it is in my best interest to be my own primary source, arriving at relevant insights, processes, etc. on my own.

As scholar I study human behavior, hunt for patterns and anomalies, and though I may intuit truths (trends) involved in the dynamics of human creativity, I must hunt for others who have had like thoughts that are highly reputable, cited, to bolster my ideations–as not really my own. I become an outsider peering into an arena minimizes and neutralizes the author in favor of “well, my (theoretical) daddy said, X. and my dad can kick your dad’s but.” Of course, I love this in psychological articles because it allows for following a rabbit trail to more specific articles that seem relevant.

But as I write as scholar, i seem to lose my natural idiosyncratic voice. of course, it also improves particular undesirable writing habits as well. the scholarly pursuit also means sitting on my ass for four to six hours at a time–this is exhausting. it also correlates with a strong negative correlation in bone density over the period of phd studies. my t-scale has moved from -1sd to -2.2sd in 3.5 years. this is bad. of course taking statistics also correlates with flunking numerous non-academic tests–urine, blood, joints, and bone. clearly, scholarship is not good for health. i am sure aging and genetics is not a compounding factor (ha). nonetheless, being purely scholar is not an option for my healthy, voice, or creative practice. yet i am driven to fucking figure out statistics because i need it in order to be heard. and what i have to say has strong implications for the training of artists and is likely an important, even if subtle, factor in significant creative achievement.

i miss dirty hands, hair matted with sweat to my forehead, and stupid large unreasonable, unsellable, unbuyable endeavors. being my own primary source is important. but then, blending life and readings, and relating to subfacets, i am low in agreeableness, a bit narcissistic, less conscientious than is desirable. Worse yet my sensory gating is quite loose and my mind is quite messy. And detrimental to my creative function is having the memory capacity of a steel sieve.