the more I write, the more I make with its inversion true. when either comes to a halt the other withers in the absent wake. reductions in either writing or making has been a red flag that something is off, something needs dealt with that Ihas been riding along in my blindspot. my sense of calm and the trust that my processes will move me forward as a human asset of some form dissipates. i flounder.
i am unsure how to read the red flag of creative cessation in the wake of time and mind consuming engagement with research of the academic sort. interestingly i am researching the relationship between writing, making, and creativity. the writing constraints of the “scholarly”, the delimited narrow confines of “shoulds” is mudding up the of my interconnected processes. i ache to make, write freely, with idle time to allow my mind to roam unbridled to imagine and cogitate versus constrictively harnessing by artificial (but useful and necessary) constructs and statistical means of scholarship, timelines and academic textabation. fuck. the questions i explore through the rigors of science do not deviate from the conceptual drivers of my normal writing and making practices. it just happens to appear to dry them up at the moment. this i find horribly withering despite the love of research. clearly i need to find a way to negotiate the three without sacrificing the me of the equation. perhaps it is merely the burden of time constraints that binds up the play that could be taking place between writing, making, thinking, and being. not just the time outlined by the academic but the time that tugs at my aging frame and the conventions that implicitly biased us against the aged frames of body and mind.
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An analysis of blog postings over time relative to doctoral studies requires no p-value or measure of effect strength to see the obvious significant relationship with the decline of my creative practice. Should we pull up my CV sections for solo and group exhibiting we would see a like downward trend. There is also and perhaps more concerning a negative trend physiologically with muscle wasting, bone density (t-score= -2.3), AC1. (>6), and autoimmune function (+ANA). Surely progressive temporal wear and tear (aging) are not a confounding factors. Ha ;)
Considering blog post counts by year, the decline is also evident on my facebook paged. I have received several emails asking if I am ok. The authors note the obvious posting decline as the source spurring concern. I suppose the decline really marks a shift in the transparency of my processing of life. I have become rather opaque. Writing and making, my doings, are the source of my being and i prefer naked living, unpacking my day to day as i go. Scholarship is like forcing myself into a box not fully my own.
However i have been hopeful that all this acquisition of new heady material and methodological approaches such as statistics (which i appreciate but loath; however R scripting is rather logical and malleable in an enjoyable way) will hold at bay by an extra decade the ravages of cog disrepair that come with age. Of course stress and social isolation are linked with dementia and doctoral pursuits. Sigh. The red flag is waving. So i write, i over disclose. It is the process that leads me back into my own life with a capacity to engage others.0