Some one said to me today in regards to me
that i am
brave to fight my terror
that i am
forthright to fight my hypocrisy
this feels right and then they asked about my rebellion and i don’t know the answer. i do know that i rebel. but i think all these concepts/feelings/behaviors tie together bravery and terror, forthrightness and hypocrisy. they seem to be both the light and dark side of my rebellion. i say dark and light because some rebellion is needed, is good, especially in our culture which as a whole distracts, diverts and pacifies us from actually paying attention to what is happening around us–so that we do not rebel. so rebellion in me is needed, but it also is destructive when i rebel against good things within me and others, when i rebel as a defense from an imaginary foe.
am i rebellious to fight artificial constructs of oppression both culturally and within my self?
am i rebellious to hide my fear, my terror?
where does my rebellion come from?
how do i use it for good? how do i stop using it as a shield, a deflection, against others and myself?
the further i get away from home the more my rebellion has been dissipating. it is as though my rebellion was not my own? this makes no sense to me. So I ask myself where did my rebellion come from? what was my rebellion about? why? When I begin to explore these questions, it makes me very sad and i find myself weeping all over again.
Yes. The rebellion has dwindle. What was it's cause for so long. I do not understand.