24
Sep
2013
2

she is not easily or immaturely moved by me. some editing is seriously due, but it is not in me

“…isn’t that to say aren’t each of us alone in our inner worlds…” — Ken Gergen

i am never alone in my thoughts. of course in the above quote in full context the author (meaning is really goes on to say the opposite) goes there, for like me there is a dance, wail, fret, interact with the language of stories, the reinactments, the words, the dis-membered remembers. the stories, recollected words, reconstructed histories, push and ply me. I am not alone in my inner world, even there, you, you and you, still shape me. how i mold and remold these lingering voices and flatten polyedited memories effect each lived instance. i am never alone in my inner world. i’ve glimpses of solitude when i experience the most present of moments in the stillness of the singing woods, yet i am never alone in my de-peopled space because i am never alone in my inner histories and futures. 

i’ve a good bit of constructivist thinking in my make up. it renders the world quite gray. at the same time i’ve a clear inkling that our disposition, that mine, is somewhat fixed, genetically defined. but i seriously lean into constructivist relational thinking about identity, dynamics with events, spaces, things and people, and our herd behavior. i believe it sets the course for how we’ved documented and lived our histories. it shapes and can reshape each moment. I am not in fact a discrete bounded isolated object or being. 
that other, that community, generates and largely sets and resets a reflective identity, functioning as a constant self echo locating mechanism, is clear. i’ve watched it playout this way for as long as i can remember, even as a kid, I noted these processes. some artists speak of knowing they were an artist since they were a kid, me the one thing that’s always caught my mind is human interaction. a personal area of interest, because i am a watcher, a pattern seer, even of my own behavior, is observing the effects of living in this de-peopled wood were i may go several consecutive days each week, week in and week out over the course of years without bumping or brushing another human, stranger, friend or fo. there is no water cooler or public facility in which to even pass a human entity. i can think myself one way, but until i interact with another i will not know if it is really so. just the other day, i was shocked to watch myself brush off a person who showed interest. it was not a gentle brushing. it was a clear go away. well actually, with two this occurred, one with body, indirectly, one with words, directly. the body one did not unsettle me for it was appropriate for the box that the person had chosen to put the relationship into. i simple don’t fit in the specified box they outlined for me. so i cant and wont get in. so the body brush off was simply a no. the other, the worded brush off, felt cruel. i’ve always like the person, but they were showing a new kind of interest, the kind of interest i wanted to shut down as nonoptional. i did. i see myself as generally kind, yet my worded brush off, was bluntly unkind. even as it came out of my mouth i felt its wrongness. am i becoming less inhibited or more fragile? fragile is a serious concern. yet without regular interaction it is hard for me to read what is being altered by the de-peopled woods.
i also laugh at the disconnect of so many texts i read, they all approach change and growth relationally. so the bahahaaas comes when i think well how in the hell does one test that in my de-peopled forest or walking my mini meadow.  is pondering the growth option or behavioral options enough to make it so. it leaves little room for practice, little room for banter or discussion that the good idea may not in fact be so good. it leaves no room for test, trial, error, or adaption.
people love the idea of how and where i live. i love where i live and a big part of the how and why. i am comfortable alone with myself, yet i’ve discovered that extended ongoing alone, well, removes the relational dynamics for which we were designed, dynamics that ground us in the communal real.. we simply are social beings. our understanding, purpose, living is meant to be communally based at some level. a time a part and regular aloneness is healthy and needed, i like that very much. i am introverted. a temporary retreat is to be cherished. at some point though depending on personality, disposition, introvertedness, living in a de-people woods, there is untethering, an unmoaring. I don’t know how the untethered unmoaring will play out in real human space long or short term. I am uninterested in fragility of being. 
ha. i’ve reentered the church purely to explore the social tethering that comes with human reflection from people I’ve brushed up against at various times for twenty years. i am unworried about offending the powers that be for she is not easily or immaturely moved by me. 
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